Don't let a failed relationship kill your happiness

In the last couple of months, a few of my readers have reached out to me seeking advice on how to cope with the fact that a relationship that once held great promise has imploded completely.

They imagined themselves spending their entire lives with their partner, so coming to terms with the harsh reality that the individual didn't turn out as they expected and is no longer around has been immensely difficult.

They feel anxious, depressed, and lost. Despite the fact that they realize the person isn't right for them (as much as they wish they were), and that going their separate ways is for the best, a part of them clings to the hope that they can patch things up.

This prompts them to reach out to their ex against their better instincts. They keep looking for a sign -- one moment, one conversation -- to convince them that things are on the mend.

Alas, that sign never seems to come.

The more they talk, the more my readers seem to argue with their ex, and the deeper the sadness they feel.

I don't encourage them to merely let their ex go and move on. Yes, ultimately, that is the end goal, but those of us who have grappled with painful breakups know it doesn't happen overnight.

Getting over someone is a process -- a deeply emotional one at that. Grieving the end of a relationship can in fact feel like mourning the loss of a loved one. In this case, it's a relationship that perished earlier than anticipated.

But those in this situation who did all they could to ameliorate the relationship should never blame themselves. As I've stressed in prior posts, it takes the time, energy, and commitment of two people for a relationship to thrive in good times and survive in bad ones.

If you happen to be the one at fault (e.g., you cheated or took your partner for granted), use it as a learning experience. Barraging your ex with texts and calls isn't the way to go. Give them as much space as they need, and if they ask you to leave them alone, the least you can do is respect their wishes.

Just because you concede that a relationship is dead in the water doesn't mean you have give up on it.

It just means you have the wisdom to know that there's no hope, and that rather than spending more time on and shedding more tears for a relationship that no longer has life, you can go out and do something that makes you happy -- whether it be eating your favorite meal, spending time with your closest friends, or meeting the right person for you.

Don't allow a broken relationship break you. Reach out to loved ones for support. Turn to hobbies and work for distraction. Get sufficient sleep and good exercise.

A relationship doesn't define you. What does define you is what lies beneath.

And, remember, you can contact me via Facebook for advice as so many of your fellow readers have. (Due to high demand, please allow 24 hours for a response.)

You deserve to be happy. Don't allow anyone -- including an ex -- to rob of you of that right.

This will spell the end of your relationship

When asked to think about the most common culprits for a relationship's going south, most people will point to cheating, complacency, and taking one's partner for granted. While these are all valid -- and documented in various posts on this blog -- there are certain habits on the part of partners that may not kill the relationship right away, but cause it to erode more gradually. Among the most egregious of these is expecting your significant other to be perfect. They pick at your follies any chance they get. Nothing you do is ever good enough. In fact, you will never measure up to an ex, neighbor, or accomplished co-worker. Perhaps this all sounds a bit familiar. When you feel as though you're constantly being put under the microscope, it can inflict lasting damage on the relationship and your self-esteem. You're walking on eggshells all the time, praying you don't say or do something that's going to trigger your partner. This is no way to live, let alone ca

No response from someone IS a response

Make no mistake about it: When you don't get a response from someone -- whether they fail to answer your texts or return your phone calls -- it is still a response, and a powerful one at that. When a person fails to respond, it's a direct reflection of their interest -- or lack thereof -- in the relationship. Few things are more aggravating than having to hound a partner, friend, or relative for some sort of reply after we've reached out to them. Yes, we get busy from time to time, but that doesn't give anyone the right to leave the other person hanging. A terse text with something like "Been busy, will reach out soon" doesn't say much, but at least it shows some effort to bring the other person up to speed on why they've fallen off the radar. Failing to provide a response for weeks -- if not months -- communicates that you are just not a priority, and that you'll have to wait your turn to get this individual's attention. This is n

Misconceptions about quiet people

Earlier today, I came across a Facebook page that features motivational quotes intended to improve people's moods and enhance their overall self-esteem. Interestingly, I noticed two quotes that focus specifically on quiet people: "Be afraid of quiet people; they're the ones who actually think." "The quietest people have the loudest minds." I've observed that most people's views of quiet individuals can fall under one of two categories: 1. The ones who say quiet people are antisocial, suspicious, snobbish, and/or full of themselves. 2. The people who say their introspective nature and propensity to be deep in thought makes them smarter than their more garrulous peers. The quotes above speak to this mindset. As an introvert known to be quiet at work and at social functions where I might not know anyone, I feel I'm well positioned to dispel any inaccuracies surrounding quiet folks. First of all, the above statements misguidedly put

Understand People

Search This Blog