"I won't have sex with my husband just to keep him happy"

So says a 30-year old woman featured in a recent Cosmopolitan article, who, after years of sleeping with men for the wrong seasons, claims to finally be learning how to enjoy sex for herself.

She says she has spent her entire life having sex to please other people. Admitting to chronic bouts of low self-esteem, she figured that giving sex freely was a way for her partners to like her and keep her in their good graces.

She adds that, growing up in a world that regards women as sexual objects, she saw her value being measured by how many men wanted to sleep with her. Thus, she gave in no matter when the men wanted sex and which positions they wanted to try, even if they made her uncomfortable.

Such experiences left her traumatized and feeling as though she could never know what it's like to experience truly pleasurable sex -- the kind you enjoy because you greatly desire it to begin with.

Now happily married, the woman refuses to spend any more of her life having sex for other people -- and yes, that includes her spouse. She says she will not have sex with her husband just to make him happy. She wants to have sex for herself and will no longer let a man decide that for her. From this point on, she'll share her body rather than give it away.

She says her husband supports her 100 percent because he wants his partner to be fully invested in the sex.

My view: The woman says they'll only have sex when both individuals want to. But what happens if she finds herself really horny one night and makes a pass at him, only to be shot down because he's tired or not in the mood?

That can be hard to digest. I sincerely hope that she plays by the same rules and refrains from prodding her partner into having sex only when she's in the mood. That would make anyone cry "hypocrisy."

At the end of the day, it's normal for one person to want to have sex more than the other. That's when one partner might engage the other in foreplay -- massaging, kissing of the neck, etc. -- to get him or her on the same playing field.

If the woman in the Cosmo article becomes resistant to such advances, they're in for a rocky sex life. Part of being in a marriage or relationship is keeping an open mind. Just because you let your partner try to get you in the mood doesn't mean you have no respect for yourself. It feels like the woman makes sex out to be some sort of power struggle. But again, very rarely are both people on the exact same wavelength when it comes to sexual libido. Waiting until both individuals just happen to be in the mood for sex might make for a low frequency sex life.

What's your stance?

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Anonymous said...

I will submit, even if I don't want to. That should be a two way street though.

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